after five weeks at my new job—mommy of two—i'm still lost. every day brings a new challenge and a new learning experience. for example, on day one, in the thirty seconds it took me to change maddox's diaper, evie climbed onto the couch behind me, fell off, hit her head on the hardwood floor and started wailing. i ran to her, leaving maddy flailing dangerously on the changing table. (ah!) i kissed her quickly but couldn't calm her, couldn't give her one-hundred percent, because now there's someone else who needs some attention, too. evie didn't understand that then. i turned on the tv for her and peace was restored, but i felt guilty for using the tv as a babysitter.
i've felt guilty for lots of things lately: putting maddox in his swing or bouncy chair too often; rocking him in my arms when evie wants me to play with her; having jeff come home to a disastrous house when it's clean just hours earlier, when he leaves for work. the poor man comes home to dirty diapers on the couch, toys and blankets covering every inch of the living room, cottage cheese and juice splattered across the kitchen floor (evie's snack that i couldn't clean up because maddox got hungry before evie finished eating), and a wife who's wearing the same dirty pajamas she wore the night before. i feel guilty for not being able to give one-hundred percent of my attention to either of my kids. i feel guilty for not being able to give my house, my husband or myself much attention, either.
the other day, i heard evie waking up from her nap, but i had just started feeding maddox. i thought she'd be fine in her room for twenty minutes while i nursed. after twenty minutes, i opened evie's door to find her squatting over her bed, pants down to her ankles, trying to poop (on the quilt i made for her "big girl" room!). i gasped and she stopped. i swooped her up and ran with her to the bathroom—evie in one arm, maddox in the other. "no no no no no no no," i mumbled while lifting evie up onto the potty. maddox was crying and evie was whining. i was near tears myself. i didn't get to evie in time. but how could i? there was a hungry newborn attached to me! once again, i felt terribly guilty. a better mom wouldn't have let this happen, newborn attached to her or not. the smell in evie's bedroom meant we hadn't made it to the toilet in time. underneath the sheets was a giant turd. (i snapped a photo of it and sent it to jeff— code for see what i'm dealing with? get home now.)
today, instead of giving evie a proper turkey sandwich and grapes for lunch, which she so sweetly asked for, i frantically threw a piece of bread and some turkey on her highchair tray because maddox was crying and i needed to feed him too. instead of locking eyes with my newborn when i hold him or feed him, i'm usually looking at evie, who's begging me to play dress-up—or coloring all over the wood dining table. i've let the swing put maddy to sleep more times than i'd like to admit. i've let evie watch more tv and play more games on my tablet than ever before. and i'm still just barely surviving. i have plenty of help from family and friends, but i'm still left wondering if we're doing everything right, if my babies are getting what they need.
tomorrow will bring another challenge, another learning experience and another funny story, i'm sure. until then, i'll be focusing on tonight—taking things one step at a time. wish me luck!