Pages

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Mommy of Two


after five weeks at my new job—mommy of two—i'm still lost. every day brings a new challenge and a new learning experience. for example, on day one, in the thirty seconds it took me to change maddox's diaper, evie climbed onto the couch behind me, fell off, hit her head on the hardwood floor and started wailing. i ran to her, leaving maddy flailing dangerously on the changing table. (ah!) i kissed her quickly but couldn't calm her, couldn't give her one-hundred percent, because now there's someone else who needs some attention, too. evie didn't understand that then. i turned on the tv for her and peace was restored, but i felt guilty for using the tv as a babysitter.

i've felt guilty for lots of things lately: putting maddox in his swing or bouncy chair too often; rocking him in my arms when evie wants me to play with her; having jeff come home to a disastrous house when it's clean just hours earlier, when he leaves for work. the poor man comes home to dirty diapers on the couch, toys and blankets covering every inch of the living room, cottage cheese and juice splattered across the kitchen floor (evie's snack that i couldn't clean up because maddox got hungry before evie finished eating), and a wife who's wearing the same dirty pajamas she wore the night before. i feel guilty for not being able to give one-hundred percent of my attention to either of my kids. i feel guilty for not being able to give my house, my husband or myself much attention, either.


the other day, i heard evie waking up from her nap, but i had just started feeding maddox. i thought she'd be fine in her room for twenty minutes while i nursed. after twenty minutes, i opened evie's door to find her squatting over her bed, pants down to her ankles, trying to poop (on the quilt i made for her "big girl" room!). i gasped and she stopped. i swooped her up and ran with her to the bathroom—evie in one arm, maddox in the other. "no no no no no no no," i mumbled while lifting evie up onto the potty. maddox was crying and evie was whining. i was near tears myself. i didn't get to evie in time. but how could i? there was a hungry newborn attached to me! once again, i felt terribly guilty. a better mom wouldn't have let this happen, newborn attached to her or not. the smell in evie's bedroom meant we hadn't made it to the toilet in time. underneath the sheets was a giant turd. (i snapped a photo of it and sent it to jeff— code for see what i'm dealing with? get home now.)

today, instead of giving evie a proper turkey sandwich and grapes for lunch, which she so sweetly asked for, i frantically threw a piece of bread and some turkey on her highchair tray because maddox was crying and i needed to feed him too. instead of locking eyes with my newborn when i hold him or feed him, i'm usually looking at evie, who's begging me to play dress-up—or coloring all over the wood dining table. i've let the swing put maddy to sleep more times than i'd like to admit. i've let evie watch more tv and play more games on my tablet than ever before. and i'm still just barely surviving. i have plenty of help from family and friends, but i'm still left wondering if we're doing everything right, if my babies are getting what they need.



tomorrow will bring another challenge, another learning experience and another funny story, i'm sure. until then, i'll be focusing on tonight—taking things one step at a time. wish me luck! 



9 comments:

  1. You are doing a great job! Thanks for being so honest and sharing your reality right now. Scares the crap out of me for when it's my turn to juggle two littles, but at least I know what I'm in for. Keeping it real is appreciated! XO

    ReplyDelete
  2. He looks very snuggly and very handsome. Congratulations! Was beginning to wonder if he had made his appearance. :) You can do it! You're a great mother. P.s. cute hair!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, I doubt you're doing anything wrong at all. Newborns are just tough. I promise, it gets easier. And better! In the mean time, focus on all the things you are doing and don't beat yourself up. The extra t.v. watching is just a phase. The messy house thing isn't though! Haha Keep trying your best and you'll be surprised that it's more than enough.

    P.S. Your babies are adorable! And you look great.

    ReplyDelete
  4. your posts are so well written and often make me tear up! I'm a single gal with no responsibilities like this and it's really eye opening. But you are so lucky to have your beautiful family. You ARE giving 100%! It's totally clear to me:) Your babies are lucky!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wishing you luck! And oh my goodness that post cracked me up! So refreshingly honest and funny. I only have one at this point and she's just nine weeks so we're not even thinking about number two yet...as in children not poo, she certainly does a lot of that ;) I look forward to reading more so I know what to expect in case we have another someday. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. It looks like you're doing great! Give yourself a hand, being a mama of two sounds really, really hard. Your kids are lucky to have you! But holy cow with Evie and the poopy bed...

    ReplyDelete
  7. ah. this brings back memories. good ones, and painful ones too! two is a WHOLE new ball game, and so challenging at first. the only thing that helped me was keeping a damn good sense of humor and trying to focus on the wins. I mean, you totally saved that quilt from disaster! YOU GO GIRL! Hang in there, i promise you. you will miss this time when they are 6 and 8 and sassing you. and you will wish for diapers and limited vocabulary.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My friend stumbled across your blog and forwarded the URL to me, as this post sounded very similar to one I recently did, so hopefully you don't mind my stopping by! I have an almost three year old and a 7 week old, and life is absolutely crazy. It's fun and great, and I love my kiddos to pieces, but life is just completely crazy and chaotic. This post made me laugh as I could completely relate. Hang in there, take it one step at a time like you say, and keep on laughing...I'm told it gets easier. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. congratulations on your new addition. don't worry - you will figure it out as time goes on!

    ReplyDelete

leave me a little note. i love them all!